I love writing on things that weren’t meant to be written on — napkins, bridges, decrepit buildings, library books, wet concrete, drunk people’s faces. Some might call it vandalism…and yeah… that’s about right. But it’s also my desire to communicate without actually talking to people, because people are terrifying. I’d much rather leave a frosting…… Continue reading The Story of Glorified Vandalism
On my walk to work, I pass the old Allegheny County Courthouse and Jail, a big stone building with creepers growing up the northern wall. At about shoulder level, there is a rectangle cut in the stone with a patch of brick beneath. I’ve made it my superstition to touch the brick on my way to…… Continue reading Show The World Your Stones But Remember Your Bricks: Euphemism or Metaphor?
It’s a fact of life: small people will try to make you feel stupid, and you’ll desperately want to kick them in the groin, but civilized society says you can’t. What to do? First, I recommend one thorough daydream about a swift kick. Then, instead of resorting to actual violence, check a few things off…… Continue reading How To Resist Kicking Mean People In The Groin
Disease is a creep. It lurks in the corners of our bodies, twiddling its thumbs and stroking its villainous mustache, or without warning, it simply appears — bing-bang-boom, THE PARTY HAS ARRIVED. It seems like when life begins an upward climb, illness breaks in like the weirdo who doesn’t knock before waltzing into the shoddy-locked bathroom. When that happens,…… Continue reading Life’s a Bitch, But It Finds a Way: The Story of Mixed Messages
Do you have songs that make your ribs swing open on a hinge, and pump your heart full of helium? If one of those songs isn’t Teenage Wasteland (yes, nerds, I know it’s actually called Baba O’Riley), then you’re wrong. Now, like any other self-respecting millennial couch potato, the first time I heard TW was…… Continue reading An Ode To Teenage Wasteland
Remember career day in middle school? You had to pick 3 potential careers and someone from that field would come in and talk. I think you were supposed to try new things every year but I always picked the *same ones. My go-tos were professional dancer, writer, and hairdresser. I only chose **hairdresser because they…… Continue reading Career Day: What Would I Be If I Wasn’t a Writer?
Nothing rings in the new year like faulty plumbing and sewage in the basement. First, the apartment starts to smell of dead animals, but we can’t identify where it’s coming from. Colin showers twice, just in case its him, which is honestly hilarious. Then we check the basement, and OH, look. Lake Shiticaca. This comes after…… Continue reading What’s That Smell? The Story of Sewage in The Basement
As always, my New Year’s resolution is, “Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.” ….but don’t get arrested. Also, “Be fearless in pursuit of what sets your soul on fire.” …but don’t practice arson. I plan to check off the following as the year goes by: Get scuba certified at Uncle Joe’s Scuba.…… Continue reading New Years Resoloos: The Story of Goals N’at
It’s my 25th birthday! I feel a reflex to say something about budgets, hangovers, unemployment or “finding myself” as that is the general mish-mash of listicles you’ll find on the internet about your 20s. But it’s more of a gag reflex, so I’ll hold back. Here is an honest list of lessons I’ve learned by…… Continue reading 25 Lessons Learned by 25: The Story of Getting Older! And Smarter?
A lot of things bring me joy, like mashed potatoes, Cabernet, and the word Zesty, but the last day or so has me questioning whether I can feel anything except unadulterated GAAAAAAAH. So here are a few of my more recent obsessions, from before election day when I still liked things. I’m willing to share with…… Continue reading A List of Things to Enjoy While The Rest of The World Shits its Collective Pants