I turned 26 last week. The day before my birthday, I went to a client meeting with my shirt on inside out. Even once I realized, I never changed. It’s some kind of metaphor for how I live my life: inside out and generally OK with it. Instead of a 25 lessons learned by 25 type…… Continue reading Here Today, Gone Tomorrow: The Story of Dead Squirrels and my 26th Birthday
I haven’t blogged in 3 months. Frankly, I’ve been in a slump. Slump-dom, a veritable Kingdom of Slump, where finishing a bottle of wine on the porch is an accomplishment on par with doing laundry or writing a letter to my senator. So what happened these past three months? Aside from horrible, horrible things worldwide….…… Continue reading A Texas Moon in Barcelona: The Story of an Onion and my Bare Butt
I love writing on things that weren’t meant to be written on — napkins, bridges, decrepit buildings, library books, wet concrete, drunk people’s faces. Some might call it vandalism…and yeah… that’s about right. But it’s also my desire to communicate without actually talking to people, because people are terrifying. I’d much rather leave a frosting…… Continue reading The Story of Glorified Vandalism
On my walk to work, I pass the old Allegheny County Courthouse and Jail, a big stone building with creepers growing up the northern wall. At about shoulder level, there is a rectangle cut in the stone with a patch of brick beneath. I’ve made it my superstition to touch the brick on my way to…… Continue reading Show The World Your Stones But Remember Your Bricks: Euphemism or Metaphor?
It’s a fact of life: small people will try to make you feel stupid, and you’ll desperately want to kick them in the groin, but civilized society says you can’t. What to do? First, I recommend one thorough daydream about a swift kick. Then, instead of resorting to actual violence, check a few things off…… Continue reading How To Resist Kicking Mean People In The Groin
Disease is a creep. It lurks in the corners of our bodies, twiddling its thumbs and stroking its villainous mustache. Or without warning, it simply appears — bing-bang-boom, THE PARTY HAS ARRIVED. It seems like when life begins an upward climb, illness breaks in like the weirdo who doesn’t knock before waltzing into the shoddy-locked bathroom. When that happens,…… Continue reading Life’s a Bitch, But It Finds a Way: The Story of Mixed Messages
Remember career day in middle school? You had to pick 3 potential careers and someone from that field would come in and talk. I think you were supposed to try new things every year but I always picked the *same ones. My go-tos were professional dancer, writer, and hairdresser. I only chose **hairdresser because they…… Continue reading Career Day: What Would I Be If I Wasn’t a Writer?
I know the signs of an oncoming panic attack. Heart races, hands shake, vision blurs, chest tightens, temperature fluctuates, and if it’s going to be a particularly bad attack, my arms go numb. If things get really bad, I turn into a giant blueberry. At least, that’s what it feels like. Sometimes it’s best…… Continue reading Panic Attacks and Popcorn Kernels: The Story of Exploding
On Friday, I got certified in *Inbound Marketing. There was a portion on the test called “Pillars of Delight,” which sounds like a Hieronymus Bosch painting or some kind of designer drug, but it’s about creating content that people really want to read. The pillars are education, innovation, communication, and deep tissue massages. So, that’s what…… Continue reading Pillars of Delight: The Key to Great Content (but mostly rambling)
I know this is a horrible way to start a post but…oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. The zombie apocalypse has arrived. The Trump presidency is young and already it has inspired some weird shit. I’m not talking about the misogyny (though slimy), alternative facts (though disturbing), or the simple fact that…… Continue reading Trump Presidency: The Story of Casual Cannibalism