On my walk to work, I pass the old Allegheny County Courthouse and Jail, a big stone building with creepers growing up the northern wall. At about shoulder level, there is a rectangle cut in the stone with a patch of brick beneath. I’ve made it my superstition to touch the brick on my way to…… Continue reading Show The World Your Stones But Remember Your Bricks: Euphemism or Metaphor?
It’s a fact of life: small people will try to make you feel stupid, and you’ll desperately want to kick them in the groin, but civilized society says you can’t. What to do? First, I recommend one thorough daydream about a swift kick. Then, instead of resorting to actual violence, check a few things off…… Continue reading How To Resist Kicking Mean People In The Groin
Disease is a creep. It lurks in the corners of our bodies, twiddling its thumbs and stroking its villainous mustache. Or without warning, it simply appears — bing-bang-boom, THE PARTY HAS ARRIVED. It seems like when life begins an upward climb, illness breaks in like the weirdo who doesn’t knock before waltzing into the shoddy-locked bathroom. When that happens,…… Continue reading Life’s a Bitch, But It Finds a Way: The Story of Mixed Messages
Do you have songs that make your ribs swing open on a hinge, and pump your heart full of helium? If one of those songs isn’t Teenage Wasteland (yes, nerds, I know it’s actually called Baba O’Riley), then you’re wrong. Now, like any other self-respecting millennial couch potato, the first time I heard TW was…… Continue reading An Ode To Teenage Wasteland
Remember career day in middle school? You had to pick 3 potential careers and someone from that field would come in and talk. I think you were supposed to try new things every year but I always picked the *same ones. My go-tos were professional dancer, writer, and hairdresser. I only chose **hairdresser because they…… Continue reading Career Day: What Would I Be If I Wasn’t a Writer?
I know the signs of an oncoming panic attack. Heart races, hands shake, vision blurs, chest tightens, temperature fluctuates, and if it’s going to be a particularly bad attack, my arms go numb. If things get really bad, I turn into a giant blueberry. At least, that’s what it feels like. Sometimes it’s best…… Continue reading Panic Attacks and Popcorn Kernels: The Story of Exploding
On Friday, I got certified in *Inbound Marketing. There was a portion on the test called “Pillars of Delight,” which sounds like a Hieronymus Bosch painting or some kind of designer drug, but it’s about creating content that people really want to read. The pillars are education, innovation, communication, and deep tissue massages. So, that’s what…… Continue reading Pillars of Delight: The Key to Great Content (but mostly rambling)
I know this is a horrible way to start a post but…oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. The zombie apocalypse has arrived. The Trump presidency is young and already it has inspired some weird shit. I’m not talking about the misogyny (though slimy), alternative facts (though disturbing), or the simple fact that…… Continue reading Trump Presidency: The Story of Casual Cannibalism
Let’s just get this out of the way. If a mood ring had fingers, would it wear a mood ring? From there it’s just inception. Like standing between two mirrors. Hey. I’m feeling moody. Maybe it’s a writer thing, but I’m all over the place. I just haven’t been able to write any good fiction…… Continue reading If I Wore a Mood Ring It Would Give Me The Finger
Nothing rings in the new year like faulty plumbing and sewage in the basement. First, the apartment starts to smell of dead animals, but we can’t identify where it’s coming from. Colin showers twice, just in case its him, which is honestly hilarious. Then we check the basement, and OH, look. Lake Shiticaca. This comes after…… Continue reading What’s That Smell? The Story of Sewage in The Basement