Anecdotal Evidence

How To Resist Kicking Mean People In The Groin

It’s a fact of life: small people will try to make you feel stupid, and you’ll desperately want to kick them in the groin, but civilized society says you can’t.

What to do?

First, I recommend one thorough daydream about a swift kick. Then, instead of resorting to actual violence, check a few things off your list:

  • Remind yourself that people tend to project their own insecurities onto others.
  • Don’t overexert. Focus all your energy into one vice (caffeine, alcohol, nicotine).
  • Think of some incredible insults that you will NEVER use (anal dwelling butt monkey / paramecium brain, munchin’ on your own mucus) and then toss those insults into an imaginary blender.
  • Continue to improve yourself, even if the butt monkeys refuse to acknowledge it.
  • Don’t be self-centered. What we perceive as rudeness might actually just be the manifestation of someone else’s stress. It might have nothing to do with you!
  • Practice patience and kindness. Turn the *other cheek.
  • Be kind until your eyes bleed, but know your limits. Once you’ve had all your cheeks slapped, take a step back and re-evaluate your methods. Stand up for yourself, even if you stutter and shake.

stutter

  • When you’re at your wit’s end, stare at this picture of a hedgehog covered in bubbles.

hedge

Breathe deep. We’ve all been on the receiving end of plain old meanness, and maybe we’ve even perpetrated it without realizing. All you can control is yourself, so be kind, and bury that desire to kick people in the nuts — bury it deep. You might need it one day in case some Ted Bundy-lookin’ mother fucker tries to test you in a dark alley.  In that case, let your foot fly.

THE END

*I used to ask my mom to tell me the same bedtime story every night (inspired by true events). She was little and a bully named Debby Boogera (killer name) slapped her in the face after class. My mom didn’t react, she just turned, pointed to her other cheek and said, “Go ahead. Slap the other one too.” Debbie never bothered her again. You can’t tell me that’s not a badass move.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s