Anecdotal Evidence

How To Resist Kicking Mean People In The Groin

It’s a fact of life: small people will try to make you feel stupid, and you’ll desperately want to kick them in the groin, but civilized society says you can’t.

What to do?

First, I recommend one thorough daydream about a swift kick. Then, instead of resorting to actual violence, check a few things off your list:

  • Remind yourself that people tend to project their own insecurities onto others.
  • Don’t overexert. Focus all your energy into one vice (caffeine, alcohol, nicotine).
  • Think of some incredible insults that you will NEVER use (anal dwelling butt monkey / paramecium brain, munchin’ on your own mucus) and then toss those insults into an imaginary blender.
  • Continue to improve yourself, even if the butt monkeys refuse to acknowledge it.
  • Don’t be self-centered. What we perceive as rudeness might actually just be the manifestation of someone else’s stress. It might have nothing to do with you!
  • Practice patience and kindness. Turn the *other cheek.
  • Be kind until your eyes bleed, but know your limits. Once you’ve had all your cheeks slapped, take a step back and re-evaluate your methods. Stand up for yourself, even if you stutter and shake.

stutter

  • When you’re at your wit’s end, stare at this picture of a hedgehog covered in bubbles.

hedge

Breathe deep. We’ve all been on the receiving end of plain old meanness, and maybe we’ve even perpetrated it without realizing. All you can control is yourself, so be kind, and bury that desire to kick people in the nuts — bury it deep. You might need it one day in case some Ted Bundy-lookin’ mother fucker tries to test you in a dark alley.  In that case, let your foot fly.

THE END

*I used to ask my mom to tell me the same bedtime story every night (inspired by true events). She was little and a bully named Debby Boogera (killer name) slapped her in the face after class. My mom didn’t react, she just turned, pointed to her other cheek and said, “Go ahead. Slap the other one too.” Debbie never bothered her again. You can’t tell me that’s not a badass move.

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7 thoughts on “How To Resist Kicking Mean People In The Groin

  1. Have you tried just straight forward telling them that that’s what will happen if they continue annoying you? Most men respond correctly to being told they’re about to have their balls kicked. Always works for me!

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  2. This made me laugh! I actually once got fired from a waitressing job for kicking some guy in the balls. He’d punched me in the boob so I figured it was a fair response. Lol. The manager disagreed 🙂

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  3. That made me laugh! I know what you mean.
    I actually once got fired from a waitressing job when I was younger for kicking a dude in the balls. (he’d punched me in the boob so I thought it was a fair response. The male manager disagreed, lol)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol did I just post the same comment on 2 different accounts? That must’ve looked weird. That other one is my sister’s account. She left it logged in on my computer. I thought I’d cancelled it before it sent. Ooops.

        And yes, I totally think if someone crosses the line you’re allowed to actually kick them. I get that maybe I caused him a bit more pain than he’d caused me but I think if a man touches a woman’s boobs without permission, he’s really signing away his right to complain as to where she decides to kick him….and how hard 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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