On Friday, I got certified in *Inbound Marketing. There was a portion on the test called “Pillars of Delight,” which sounds like a Hieronymus Bosch painting or some kind of designer drug, but it’s about creating content that people really want to read. The pillars are education, innovation, communication, and deep tissue massages. So, that’s what I’ll give you (minus the massage).
Education: It’s Rainforest Adventure weekend at the *Aviary! Go learn about jungles because they are an Alice in Wonderland kind of awesome, and make sure you feed the sloth, Valentino. Fun fact: Did you know giant ground sloths used to live in South America. The biggest were the same size as elephants. Casual.
Innovation: Ever heard of Hamblin glasses? Invented in the 1930s, these glasses allow you to read while laying flat on your back. Necessity is the mother of invention, am I right? I preferred this invention over most new tech, including “robots who hunt for prey.” Can’t wait for that nightmare to start!
Communication: Considering all of our many languages, you would think humans would be better at communicating. Nah. But, there was this beluga whale who learned how to mimic human speech. It’s like listening to a phone call underwater. Or like when you say “girl” over and over into your closed fist with your pinky out so it sounds like “dewy.” Either way, the whale communicates better than I do before 8 am or after 8 drinks.
I hope you enjoyed my pillars of delight, and if that phrasing still doesn’t make you uncomfortable, I don’t think we can be friends.
*Before I took the inbound certification test, I made myself a study guide. Here are some highlights:
**Last time I was at the aviary, a large bird that looked like it was wearing a loofa on its face mauled my hand. The janitor said, “Woah. She’s never done that before. She usually likes everyone!” Due to my deep-seated issues, I won’t rest until that bird falls in love with me.