Anecdotal Evidence

Trump Presidency: The Story of Casual Cannibalism

I know this is a horrible way to start a post but…oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. The zombie apocalypse has arrived.

The Trump presidency is young and already it has inspired some weird shit. I’m not talking about the misogyny (though slimy), alternative facts (though disturbing), or the simple fact that a high functioning sociopath is sitting in the oval office. (Cheers!) Oh no. I’m talking about cannibalism.


Case #1: Let’s start with our very own Pittsburgh, PA. Less than a week ago, a man bit off his roommate’s ear over a Trump argument. The article doesn’t even specify if the guy who got chomped is an enthusiastic Trump supporter, it just sounds like the Ear Biter was in a frenzy. Apparently, he came at his friend and “twisted his finger,” which sounds pretty harmless…and then bit off his ear. That’s called escalation. Luckily, the ear was recovered. Phew! Though that would have been a fun search party. But the police are STILL SEARCHING FOR THE EAR BITER. Lock your doors, y’all.


Case #2: Next up, Florida. A 19-year-old boy, wearing a Make America Great Again hat, was caught snacking on some human meat. I guess the kid started talking about his alleged super powers, then killed a couple and ate bits and pieces of their faces. But it’s worth mentioning that the cops claimed that the Face Biter was “abnormally strong” like a superhero? ….Is it something in the water?

Still waiting for case #3, but I’ve come to the very rational conclusion that the Trump presidency has brought about the zombie apocalypse. Keep your eyes and ears open and practice your Rick Grimes accent.



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