Anecdotal Evidence · Drunk

The 11 Step Progression of My Halloween

Halloween on a Monday as an adult = almost some fun. Here is the progression of mine.

1. Halfway through the day I realize that I’m way too lazy to drive 1 mile and buy purple balloons for my grape costume. The knowledge of how lame I am haunts me. I take a 30-minute nap.

2. When I wake, I put on my purple unitard. (I had Halloween ambition a month ago and ordered it off Amazon.) I pour myself a glass of wine.


3. I decide that for Halloween I am a wine stain and my spirits rise. To be fair, that might be because I finished my first glass of wine.

4. The kids begin to arrive and I remember that I’m terrified of children. My mom, who has a bad knee, walks to and from the front door while I hide in the kitchen. #Shame

5. I finally answer the door, but become sure that the pre-teens are judging my “costume.” I cease to make eye contact and decide to eat all the Almond Joys.

6. Mom tells me she recently watched the portion of Halloween where Michael Myers is a kid. I realize that any one of these little gremlins could be a future serial killer. I pour myself another glass of wine.

7. Mom and I assign my dad to door duty. From the family room, we hear him ask someone – “What?! No friends?” Apparently, Pikachu was a loner. I begin to fear that my dad might have angered Pikachu. I lock the doors and hope for the best.

8. I tell my parents that we have to watch a scary movie, complain about it until they comply, turn down every option because it’s too scary and finally settle on Hotel Transylvania.


9. Wine.

10. Decide that when I have my own place I will give away free books, mostly Shirley Jackson and Stephen King, to the trick-or-treaters so that the next generation will be as weird as me.

11. I amend my plan. I will leave a bag of books on the porch for them to choose from while I hide inside, drinking wine and watching slightly scary movies.

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