Anecdotal Evidence

Surprise Muthafucka! The Story of an Animal-Loving Anti-Hero

Hi. I am vindictive. Read on to find out why.

Today, a man was arrested for hanging a puppy by the neck and punching it in the face after it chewed his shoe. Da Fuck is wrong with you, sir? 

In other news, “The illicit wildlife (…) trade is estimated to be worth $70-213 billion a year“. Poachers are killing tigers, bears, elephants, *rhinos, and lots of other animals to make a profit from their tusks, pelts, etc. I repeat, Da Fuck is wrong with you?


People have become desensitized to it, but we live in a damn Dr. Seuss book! The animals we are losing due to fuckheads rival Busters, Flusters, Russian Palooskis, wild Bippo-no-Bunguses, Gussets, Gherkins, and Scraggle-Foot Mulligatawnys. Like, Fox in socks? Cat in the Hat? PLEASE. We have lizards who shoot blood from their eyes. Oh, and Horton heard a Who? Big whoop! Real elephants experience emotions much like humans and have 40,000 muscles in their trunks. That’s wild. I just want people to care more because, “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” (Dr. Seuss)


Here is where my vindictiveness takes a turn (evil laugh):

Due to the depressing nature of animal news, I have decided that I’m going to write a dark children’s book about an animal-loving, anti-hero vigilante: one part Dexter, one part Batman, and one part Jane Goodall on steroids.

I’m thinking her superhero name should be VOLTUR, because it sounds kinda badass and it’s the Latin word for “Bird of Prey.” But her secret identity is **Adaira Tenebris (at this point I’m just typing words into google’s Latin translator). By day, dog groomer. By night, killing machine. She’s going to have a ***secret base, loads of tech, and a faux leather uni-tard (machine washable). When she hears news about animal abusers / poachers, she hops on her private jet (her billionaire parents died and left her a #convenient fortune) and hunts them down.

Now, like Dexter, after she catches them she makes them face what they’ve done. For example, if this SOB is drowning dogs, she drowns them. If they’re poaching animals for their pelts, she straight up skins them… as I’m typing, I realize this probably shouldn’t be a kid’s book. Also, I’m clearly mentally disturbed. So… let’s make it a graphic novel!

Anyway, I think this is a great idea. Maybe because I secretly want to punch puppy-punchers in the face, like Wham! Bam! Thank you ma’am! By the way, that should totally be VOLTUR’s catch phrase (she digs Bowie, Dean Martin, and Charles Mingus.). That and, “Surprise Muthafucka.”

P.S. – You probably shouldn’t let me tell your kids any bedtime stories. :/


*I did a Facebook quiz to find out what kind of animal I am. Results: Rhino. I don’t understand, but I like it.


**When I was little, I had an imaginary friend named Adaira (Scottish name meaning, “She knows”), which is almost as cool as my mom’s imaginary friends, Cokie and Queenie, who lived in the toilet. LOL. I also had a butt ton of imaginary horses.

***I feel VOLTUR also needs a sidekick but I haven’t gotten that far yet. I’m open to ideas!

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