Happy October, yinz guys. Happy season o’ the creeps! It hasn’t quite felt like fall yet because I’ve been in Florida, but I’ll be back in Pittsburgh this weekend. I’m ready to shiver a little bit, light fires (in fireplaces, mostly), watch *scary movies, and carve a pumpkin into a little house for the “wee folk” my mom made out of felt. By the way, talking loudly about the wee folk in public as if they’re alive is fun.
“Mom! The wee folk keep shitting in my shoes.”
I discovered something creepy the other day… creepier than the wee folk. It turns out that E-bay has a SUBSTANTIAL collection of haunted dolls for sale. Like these people truly believe the dolls are haunted, and all of them come with the disclaimer “seller not responsible for item after purchase,” which means if career Barbie slits your throat, don’t sue. The logical part of my brain says this is obviously crazy, but in the same breath it says not to buy these damn dolls if I want to live to 25.
Here are some highlights:
- This is Ophelia. Ophelia is prettier than me, and kind of looks like she’s saying – “What of it, bitch?” The seller claims to have received the 2-foot tall doll in an unmarked package. She also says, “Ophelia invokes the power of Venus” who, “is a sensual spirit that will steam up your love life!” ..I’ll let you draw your own conclusions. Can dolls transmit syphilis?
2. This next nightmare creature is going for **$2,400, which would also buy you a round-trip flight to Peru. The previous owner says the doll winks at her…but that’s it. Don’t get me wrong, if this thing winked at me I’d throw it into the fires of Mordor, but for $2,400 it better also make margaritas and give a shiatsu massage. They go on to say that it comes from a non-smoking household… Wrong. This baby is literally the poster child for smoking cigarettes.
3. This one is actually pretty cute and it’s only 12 bucks (still seems like a lot for twine and dirty needles). I might buy it to live with the wee folk.
4. This clown doll has lots of skills for the resume. It both leers at your wife and crashes your car. Seller wrote, “EVIL CLOWN DOLL DESTROYER. CAN’T HAVE HERE ANYMORE. CLOSER TO HALLOWEEN WORSE HE GETS. MUST BEWARE BUYER PURCHASE AT OWN RISK. NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR RESULTS. CAUSED CRASH OF MY CAR!” Sounds casual. Hide your wife.
I hope this puts you in a Halloween mood. Now go plan your ***costume and I don’t give a fuck how old you are. YOU ARE IRON MAN. YOU ARE GLINDA THE GOOD WITCH. YOU ARE A SEXY CHICKEN. YOU ARE A FREUDIAN SLIP.
Thank you, and goodnight.
*I watched the movie The Babadook on Netflix this past week, and I have to tell you, I think the Babadook is misunderstood. Dude just wants to eat worms, learn English, and wear a top hop like a boss.
**There is also a doll going for $9,000….
***This Halloween I’m going to a festival in Virginia where they transform the town into Harry Potter world. I’m just wearing the color brown and carrying sticks. When people ask me who I am, I’ll yell, WHOMP, and hit them with sticks. Cause I’m the whomping willow. I’m also going to be grapes.