Musings

Ball’s Donkey Loses Balls: The Story of a Botched Castration

I wish I could read the news just once and see headlines like, “Local Girl has Great Hair Day” or “Woodland Creatures Help Man Cross the Street” but no. I look on TribLive this morning and what do I see? “Doctor Botched Donkey Castration”

Come on, Doc? Why you gotta do me like that?

A Derry township farmer, Casey Ball, and her fiance started rescuing abandoned and neglected donkeys last February, which is adorable and exactly what I wish I was doing with my life. They take them in and care for them, and probably don’t make little outfits for them to wear but I would, and then put them up for adoption. I want to be this woman when I grow up (Hi, I’m 24).

The fondly named (by me), Donkey-Saint farmer, took 8-year-old Donkzilla (no, I’m not kidding) for a routine castration so he wouldn’t knock up any of the lady donkeys (because with a name like Donkzilla…). But the normally 15 minute procedure went on for 45 minutes, nearly killing Donkzilla and causing extreme blood loss. What could they possibly have been doing that would take 45 minutes?!? Do you guys remember when Drake and Josh (I hate myself) pretended to be doctors? It’s probably that same kind of situation.

drake

HOLY SHIT. I just googled “pretending to be a doctor” and guess what I found – “*Teen caught after posing as OB/GYN at hospital for month, fooling doctors.” And if that could happen, there is every possibility that the alleged doctor is just a repressed high schooler with a weird donkey fetish. “The lawsuit claims that the clinic and the veterinarian failed ‘to possess the requisite skills and expertise to properly perform the surgery on (Ball’s) donkey.'” Pretty sure I just cracked the case.

By the way, what a beautiful twist of fate that this woman’s last name is Ball. Whoever covered this story must have laughed at least 12 times over that. I would have titled the story, “Ball’s donkey loses balls,” which is probably why I don’t work for the Trib.

I’d just like to add a disclaimer: I can barely cut an avocado, so I don’t presume to know the many complications of a donkey castration. If the donkey doctor was in fact a real doctor, and I’m guessing they were, I feel a little bad for them too. I hope they get a good lawyer with an excellent sense of humor.

Overall, this story makes me sad, disturbed, and a little afraid to ever go to the OB/GYN again. But it ends well for Donkzilla! He seems to be recovering and Ball decided to adopt him. Hoping the next article I see is, **”Donkzilla Runs for President.”

2016: Where people would sooner vote for a castrated donkey than for Trump or Hillary.

donk

THE END

*Real quote from fake doctor story: “The first thing I thought was, ‘I am getting, I am really getting old because these young doctors look younger every year,” Dr. Kent said. LOL.

**Also see, Murrysville Monkey for President. Who says we don’t have options?

***This story reminded me of another important story. So, I have this friend who will remain unnamed… A few years ago, she was dangerously low on cash, and saw in the paper that Pitt was paying people to be part of research study on experimental birth control in the form of gel. So that weekend, she sits down to call them, but had previously called the Vet’s office and accidentally hit re-dial. She ended up asking the Vet about their experimental vaginal gel and got laughed off the phone. Life is fun.

 

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