Are you feeling blue? Well, call me Billy Mays (RIP) because I’m here to get rid of that stain. Watch how this post unleashes of the power of wine (and some other less important stuff), making tough stains (your blue-ness) disappear like magic.
For me, happiness is a bit like twerking. Some people have mastered it, and lets face it, they flaunt it. Like, I get it – you can twerk upside down and right-side up, in the pool or on a plane. And I try not to look, but I wonder, how the hell are they moving their butt independently of the rest of their body? That is NOT natural. Then there are people who are worse at twerking than me, or so bad they don’t even try anymore. Most nights out, I settle for a classic rump shake, strictly side-to-side with a little head bopping. But once in a while by some miracle of God (he makes blind men see and sad girls twerk), everything clicks and all of a sudden, I’m twerking! Then, as quickly as it came, the skill escapes me. But I know, if I keep trying, I will live to twerk another day.
This list is for anyone who has lost the ability to twerk, or maybe they never found it. (And just a reminder, in this case twerking=happiness.)
Get Off The Couch
Take a walk in the woods… with wine. Sun and nature can heal, and these days, they make those convenient mini wine boxes that fit perfectly in a day-pack. Listen to the birds or running water and just remember, this is always here, even on your worst day.
Call up a friend. 15 vodka green tea shots will do wonders and it’s easier to put your life in perspective when one of you is sneaking behind the bar and the other is attempting to exit the Uber while it’s still moving.
Go to the puppy store / shelter. This one doesn’t involve alcohol because puppies are a natural high.
Get Back on The Couch
Sometimes when I wrap myself up in blankets and lay on the couch for 48 hours, I emerge from my cocoon as a beautiful butter-fly with B.O. So sign onto your Netflix account, or whoever’s account you’re stealing from, and settle in. Here’s what to start with:
The Whale – Documentary about an orca whale named Luna. You’ll laugh, then cry, then smile because it happened. Ryan Reynolds narrates, and yes, even his voice is sexy.
The Champions – Documentary about Michael Vick’s fighting dogs. You’ll cry, then laugh, then cry again. Big fat wine tears of happiness. Picture pit bills wearing sweaters.
*Gilmore Girls – In my opinion, the most comforting series available on Netflix. I made my dad watch every season with me and my mom, and while in the beginning he pretended to be annoyed, pretty soon he was emotionally invested and noticeably angry when I watched two episodes without him. He still hasn’t forgiven me actually… I should give him a call.
Get Out of Your Head
Read a book, but do a little research first. It doesn’t have to be a literary masterpiece, just pick something you can lose yourself in. I suggest you avoid Moby Dick, Wuthering Heights, or Frankenstein. These are all great books, but the situation calls for a Harry Potter type of deal or some kind of cult classic. Fuck it, bring out the Beverly Cleary!
WIIIIIIIINE. Get out of your head and into a bottle of wine. Red is best for the blues because it looks more like medicine and I’m a visual learner, but please don’t substitute **cough syrup for wine. Keep in mind, wine is like some sort of mythical creature, whose power grows the more you believe in it. So drink up, and ***believe!
Talk to your people. I’m lucky, and my family happens to be my best friends, my people, so I know I can always call them, or my boyfriend, who will rant about the evils of traffic until I forget my own name. Everyone has their people. Call yours. Ask them about their day. It’s good to remember that there is a whole world going on around you, because sometimes being blue makes you a little too focused on you.
Just remember, happiness is like twerking. And by the way, I see what a disturbing analogy that is now. Sorry.
*I’m planning a trip with my mom to visit the small Connecticut town that inspired Gilmore Girls. WE ARE ADORABLE.
**If you do decide to drink cough syrup, and I DO NOT condone that, at least listen to a little Three 6 Mafia while you do it.
***Like Peter Pan. The fairies legit die if you don’t believe in them. Imagine that I’m the wine fairy, and if you don’t believe in wine’s healing powers, I drop dead. I’m counting on you.