A guy named Jeffrey apparently *saw a monkey in his girlfriend’s backyard last week. He was obviously taking peyote, but I’m still thrilled by the possibility of a random monkey in Murrysville. It’s all very Curious George, or better yet, Jumanji. I’m just waiting to break it down to those drum beats.
BUT WAIT. “The University of Pittsburgh lists a primate research center on nearby New Texas Road as one of its facilities. However Pitt researcher Dr. Anthony Zeleznik said over the phone on Wednesday he did not believe the university still operated the facility.”
He did not believe? I’m sorry, but that seems like a fairly simple phone call. Or better yet, whoever wrote the article could go ahead and knock on Monkey Town’s door and inquire about a missing primate. Anyone else read The Hot Zone? This sounds like the beginning of end times if you ask me.
My current plan is to catch the monkey and raise him/her as my own. It’s going to be a bit like Stranger Things I expect, with the monkey (Eleven) escaping from a creepy lab. I can only hope he/she has telekinetic powers because I’m going to make all the doubters pee a little.
I did some research and learned that the best (easiest) monkey trap is to put a banana in a box with an opening big enough for the monkey’s hand to go in, but not big enough for the monkey’s hand holding the banana to come out. I guess monkeys aren’t smart enough to let go of the banana? Not so sure about that, and bananas are pretty pliable anyway. My monkey Eleven would break your neck and steal your bananas. Probably steal your girl too.
I also found the following picture on how to catch a monkey:
I don’t get it. Do you put peanuts in the jar, wait for the monkey, then throw the blanket over the monkey? I’ve tried to catch my sister’s dogs in a similar fashion and broke a lamp. Granted, **Steve Irwin used to throw a towel over a crocodile’s eyes and then jump right on, so who knows.
I’ve decided I’ll eat the peanuts, lay on the blanket, fill the jar with moonshine and hope the monkey likes a stiff drink. In this version of Stranger Things, The Upside Down is just me and the monkey blackout drunk but with none of the weird dandruff stuff floating around. However, if I find out that the Murrysville monkey is actually a medical experiment gone wrong…a ***puppy-monkey-baby, perhaps (Satan’s spawn)! Then I will shoot the thing and send it back to Hell.
In conclusion, Murrysville Monkey for President!
*Please note that the Murrysville police told the reporter that they looked for the monkey… Ya, I bet the whole squadron was out and not back at the office making fun of Jeffrey.
**I googled “Steve Irwin catching monkey” and found this gem.
***The 7th ring of hell is a puppy-monkey-baby parade.